"Ironically, the best place to exploit workers is the largest communist nation on the planet."
---The Onion

"You don't have to swim faster than the shark. You just have to swim faster than the person you're with. That's what friends are for."
---Kevin Nealon

"Yes, there's no safer occupation than mining. Especially when you're perched on a snowball whipping through space at a million miles per hour!"
---Professor Farnsworth, Futurama

"That's what the internet is for: slandering others anonymously!"
---Banky Edwards, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
---Gilda Radner

"The power of accurate observation is often called cynicism by those who have not got it."
---George Bernard Shaw

"Famous remarks are very seldom quoted correctly."
---Simeon Strunsky

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."
---Oscar Wilde

"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
---Albert Einstein

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
---Mark Twain

"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative."
---Oscar Wilde

"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."
---Sir Winston Churchill

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
---Steve Landesberg

"I love music. Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life."
---Chris Rock

"That doesn't make a lot of sense. Hardly any, really."
---Adrian Monk

"I don't sit on the ground. Animals do things on the ground. Terrible, terrible things."
---Adrian Monk

"It's so embarrassing to have to report your own death."
---Tom Servo, Mystery Science Theater 3000

"If you find a mate in life, you should be loyal. And in your case, grateful."
---Manny, Ice Age

"If wishes were horses, we'd all be eatin' steak."
---Jayne, Firefly

"Tell a person that you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar."
---Metatron, Dogma

"Don't take life so serious, son. It ain't nohow permanent."
---Walt Kelly

"Good luck finding a candy-flavored ferret."
---Captain Murphy, SeaLab 2021

"Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet."
---Ralph Waldo Emerson

"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
---Adolf Hitler

"I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them."
---E. V. Lucas

"Anything too stupid to be said is sung."
---Voltaire

"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it."
---Voltaire

"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
---Voltaire

"If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation."
---Tom Stoppard

"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy."
---Groucho Marx

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him."
---Mark Twain

"Stop being such a baby and chop my hands off."
---Fry, Futurama

"Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it."
---George Bernard Shaw

"You're not to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or says it."
---Malcolm X

"I knew we were gonna die in this place one day. I just thought it would be at each others' hands."
---Randal, Clerks: The Animated Series

"You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity."
---Bullet-Tooth Tony, Snatch

"Friendship is the opposite of hungry monkeys."
---Fish, Goats.com

"How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet?"
---George Carlin

"The great thing about being the only species that makes a distinction between right and wrong is that we can make up the rules for ourselves as we go along."
---Douglas Adams

"I've only got a few years left to live. I don't want to spend them all dead."
---Professor Farnsworth, Futurama

"Mom, can I borrow your sewing machine? Mine doesn't exist."
---Dilbert

"Eh, I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself."
---Bender, Futurama

"An ingenious thought lives forever."
---Edvard Munch

"Gosh, Sam, if 100 years of western civilization have to be destroyed just to provide a bunch of smelly quasi-human creatures with a safe haven for their disgusting lifestyles, then so be it!"
---Max, Sam & Max Hit The Road

"Other than watching you die, there's really nothing we can do."
---Major Baklava, Clerks: The Animated Series

"Good point. Not interested."
---Fishy Joe, Futurama

"There's a worse room than this? How?!? Is it on fire?!?"
---Garfiend

"I can't take his money. I can't print my own money. I have to work for money. Why don't I just lie down and die?"
---Homer Simpson

"I cut my finger. That's tragedy. A man walks into an open sewer and dies. That's comedy."
---Mel Brooks

"My movies rise below vulgarity."
---Mel Brooks

"Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together."
---Mel Brooks

"This concept of 'wuv' confuses and infuriates us!"
---Lrr, Futurama

"You were doing well until everyone died."
---God, Futurama

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick - not wounded - dead."
---Woody Allen

"And don't take it personally Finn, but I bought you some expensive, fruity soaps. Take them home, try them out."
---Jackie O'Shea, Waking Ned Devine

"You know, if you'd asked out that girl from The Panda when I told you, you'd be on a date right now, instead of driving around in the makeshift hearse of your childhood hero. Just something to think about for next time."
---Batmanuel, The Tick

"Remember...being materialistic means never having to acknowledge your feelings."
---Brent Sienna, PvP

"Another urban myth dispelled: ninjas do not bounce."
---Batmanuel, The Tick

"The difference between tragedy and comedy: Tragedy is something awful happening to somebody else, while comedy is something awful happening to somebody else."
---Aaron Allston

"I'm content to stand on tradition. I'm even more content to wipe my feet on it."
---Aaron Allston

"The chief difference between horror fans and science fiction fans lies in why they won't walk backwards. A horror fan won't walk backwards because he knows he'll be knifed by a madman. A science fiction fan won't walk backwards because he knows he'll step on the cat."
---Aaron Allston

"No one pays me to be nice."
---Aaron Allston

"The way to a man's heart is through his chest."
---Aaron Allston

"Life is like an analogy."
---Aaron Allston

"When all else fails, complicate matters."
---Aaron Allston

"There are two types of people in the world, and I'm one of them."
---Aaron Allston

"Well, this is it world. You know, I always thought you'd die before me."
---Homer, The Simpsons

"Who needs courage when you have a gun?"
---Professor Farnsworth, Futurama

"That's so plausable I can't believe it!"
---Leela, Futurama

"Being a robot's great, but we don't have emotions, and sometimes that makes me very sad."
---Bender, Futurama

"I think I need a prison in order to dream of being free."
---Blues Traveler, Go Outside & Drive

"I'd rather be lost than afraid to take a ride."
---Blues Traveler, Make My Way

"You can't fight evil with a macaroni duck!"
---Arthur, The Tick

"Me lead you? Look at me lady. I don't even know where the hell I am half the time."
---Jay, Dogma

"No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater than central air."
---Azrael, Dogma

"There's nothing worse than watching a fuckin' fat man weep."
---Jay, Dogma

"I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you may think you are to winning."
---Azrael, Dogma

"The furniture is moving by itself...that's not supposed to happen."
---Arthur, The Tick

"A bomb's a bad choice for close-range combat."
---JC Denton, Deus Ex

"It's the wild color scheme that freaks me. I mean, when you try to operate one of these weird black controls which are labeled in black on a black background, a small black light lights up black to let you know you've done it."
---Zaphod Beeblebrox, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"There are many mysteries in this universe big and small. Like, why do clowns make us laugh? Why do we love puppy dogs? And why, why do little blue midgets hit me with fish?"
---The Tick

"Brace yourself while Corporate America tries to sell us its wretched things."
---The Tick

"Oh crap! It's a miracle!"
---Bender, Futurama

"Make a plan, and then we will follow it to the letter. The embarrassment that will inevitably follow will help you understand why I am a genius and you are someone who plays hide-and-seek with a sandwich."
---Brain, Pinky & The Brain

"Pain always seems to be an unavoidable side-effect of my plans..."
---Brain, Pinky & The Brain

"God help us. We're in the hands of engineers."
---Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park

"Ah ha-ha, chess! The ancient contest of wits! Two opponents: mano a mano. Braino a braino. And look! Magnets for ease of travel! You could play chess on the moon!"
---The Tick

"The night is young and we have umbrellas in our drinks."
---The Tick

"Gravity is a harsh mistress."
---The Tick

"I'm betting that I'm just abnormal enough to survive."
---The Tick

"It can't be a crime if it's catered."
---Niles Crane, Frasier

"Foiled once again by government regulations and good common sense!"
---Max, Sam & Max - Freelance Police

"If you kill me, two will take my place!"
---Marketing Exec, The Simpsons

"Don't be so humble. You're not that great."
---Golda Meir

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
---George Burns

"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems."
---Paul Erdos

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad."
---Salvador Dali

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
---Napoleon Bonaparte

"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters."
---Frank Lloyd Wright

"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."
---Aldous Huxley

"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."
---Sherlock Holmes

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."
---Groucho Marx

"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life."
---Frank Zappa

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
---Isaac Asimov

"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."
---Carl Sagan

"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens."
Jimi Hendrix

"A witty saying proves nothing."
---Voltaire

"We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?"
---Niels Bohr

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
---Albert Einstein

"Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler."
---Albert Einstein

"In the end, everything is a gag."
---Charlie Chaplin

"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
---Al Capone

"Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure."
---Ross MacDonald

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
---Woody Allen

"Sanity is a madness put to good uses."
---George Santayana

"If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"
---Will Rogers

"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction."
---General Douglas MacArthur

"If you can remember anything about the sixties, you weren't really there."
---Paul Kantner

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
---Arthur C. Clarke

"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."
---Mark Twain

"One death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic."
---Josef Stalin

"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
---Jerry Seinfeld

"This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers."
---Randal, Clerks

"I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor."
---Abe Simpson, The Simpsons

"I gotta finish him off while I'm still temporarily insane."
---Groundskeeper Willy, The Simpsons

"This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants designed to take away the money of fools. Now, let's say the Lord's Prayer forty times, but first let's pass the collection plate."
---Reverend Lovejoy, The Simpsons

"Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S: I am not a crackpot.
---Abe Simpson, The Simpsons

"The children are over stimulated...remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms."
---Principal Skinner, The Simpsons

"I ran out of gas! I got a flat tire! I didn't have change for cab fare! I lost my tux at the cleaners! I locked my keys in the car! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!"
---Jake Blues, The Blues Brothers

"This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays."
---Arthur Dent, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."
---Ford Prefect, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it."
---Arthur Dent, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now."
---Zaphod Beeblebrox, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
---The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"The first ten million years were the worst; and the second ten million, they were the worst too. The third ten million I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline."
---Marvin the Paranoid Android, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, we have to at least consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands."
---Dirk Gently, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency

"Dennis Hutch had stepped up into the top seat when its founder had died of a lethal overdose of brick wall, taken while under the influence of a Ferrari and a bottle of tequila."
---The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
---Douglas Adams

"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates, what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates, how can I find happiness?' Did anyone ever say 'Socrates, hemlock is poison'?"
---Socrates (shortly before his death)

"Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done."
---Ernie Kovacs

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
---W.C. Fields

"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of."
---Burt Bacharach

"Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything."
---Bob Dylan

"I have a feeling that when my ship comes in I'll be at the airport."
---Charles M. Schultz

"Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read."
---Frank Zappa

"I'm stranded all alone in the gas station of love, and I have to use the self-service pump."
---Weird Al Yankovic, One More Minute

"Now finish your delicious meal before I jam it down your throat, little pal."
Sam, Sam & Max - Freelance Police

"The goons are riding motorcycles, but we've got a whole, big metal car! This will be like stepping on ants!"
---Max, Sam & Max - Freelance Police

"I bought lots of intense crap that I'll never need, and I'm very pleased about it."
---Max, Sam & Max - Freelance Police

"The world is tragic to those who feel and comic to those who think."
---Robert Walpole

"I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with."
---Denis Leary

"Very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists."
---The Voice of Itchy & Scratchy, The Simpsons

"We're going out Marge! If we don't come back, avenge our deaths!"
---Homer Simpson

"It would've been fun watching Detroit boil off into space."
---Duke Nukem

"It's a handgun! This is the trigger, and this is the thing you point at what you want to die."
---Homer Simpson

"Pardon me brother, care to donate to the Anti Mugging-You fund?"
---Bender, Futurama

"She's a sweet reverend's daughter, and you're the devil's cabana boy."
---Lisa Simpson

"The only specifically American inventions that have made this a better world are Alcoholics Anonymous and jazz, and jazz has no bad side effects."
---Kurt Vonnegut

"...A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?"
---Kurt Vonnegut

"I cannot go there. That is the place of my spiritual de-pantsing."
---Apu, The Simpsons

"Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!"
---Apu, The Simpsons

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read."
---Groucho Marx

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
---Mark Twain

"A lie can travel half-way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes"
---Mark Twain

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect."
---Mark Twain

"When you're mad, count four; when you're very mad, swear! But most of us don't wait to count four! At least I don't!"
---Mark Twain

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
---Mark Twain

"Don't put off 'till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well."
---Mark Twain

"Let us save tomorrows for work."
---Mark Twain

"Do not worry about your problems with mathematics, I assure you mine are far greater."
---Albert Einstein

"Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."
---Albert Einstein

"We've got to get off this road. They've called ahead by now and you can't outrun a Motorola."
---Elwood Blues, Blues Brothers 2000

"We've got a date with destiny. And it looks like she's ordered the lobster."
---The Shoveler, Mystery Men

"There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying; coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace."
---Just Wait, Blues Traveler

"Just remember this my girl, when you look up in the sky, you can see the stars and still not see the light."
---Already Gone, The Eagles

"The important thing is not to stop questioning."
---Albert Einstein

"Speaking personally, you can have my gun, but you'll take my book when you pry my cold, dead fingers off the binding."
---Stephen King

"The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page."
---Saint Augustine

"Take THAT and THAT and THAT and THAT! Ha! I warned you, didn't I? Didn't I warn you? I thought I warned you. I didn't? Oh, sorry."
---Max, Sam & Max - Freelance Police

"I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's."
---Mark Twain

"There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that."
---Mark Twain

"When you're mad, count four; when you're very mad, swear! But most of us don't wait to count four! At least I don't!"
---Mark Twain

"No man has ever won a war by dying for his country, he won the war by making the other, poor, dumb bastard die for his."
---George Patton

"A closed mouth gathers no feet."
---Unknown

"Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
---Unknown

"Never knock on Death's door; ring the bell and run."
---Unknown

"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now."
---Unknown

"The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth."
---Unknown

"Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies."
---Unknown

"The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom."
---Unknown

"The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open."
---Unknown

"If all is not lost, where is it?"
---Unknown

"I started out with nothing... I still have most of it."
---Unknown

"Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."
---Unknown

"Honk if you love peace and quiet."
---Unknown

"When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?"
---Unknown

"I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock."
---Unknown

"An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys."
---Unknown

"If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
---Unknown

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
---Unknown

"Now don't say you can't swear off drinking. It's easy. I've done it a thousand times."
---W.C. Fields

"Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days."
---W.C. Fields

"Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink."
---W.C. Fields

"I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast."
---W.C. Fields

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
---W.C. Fields

"If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don't come running to me."
---Unknown

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
---Unknown

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
---Unknown

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
---Unknown

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened."
---Unknown

"It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried."
---Unknown

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
---Unknown

"There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result."
---Unknown

"Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed."
---Unknown

"You can always count on Americans to do the right thing -- after they've tried everything else."
---Unknown

"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
---W.C. Fields

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies."
---Unknown

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
---Unknown

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
---Unknown

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
---Unknown

"You don't need a weatherman to tell which way the wind blows"
---Bob Dylan.

"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped."
---Sam Levenson

"You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun."
---Al Capone

"When you go into court, you're putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."
---Norm Crosby

"If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark."
---Michael Landon

"It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
---Unknown

"When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself."
---Unknown

"Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it."
---Unknown

"I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich."
---Homer Simpson

"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
---Woody Allen

"All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast."
---John Gunther

"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy."
---Jack Handey

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."
---Jack Handey

"I just bought a Chihuahua. It's the dog for lazy people. You don't have to walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze."
---Anthony Clark

"The double-bladed lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every droid in the room. Accept no substitutes."
---Samuel L. Jackson

"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer."
---Robert Frost

"The difference between the Surrealists and I is that I am a Surrealist."
---Salvador Dali

"I do not take drugs...I am drugs."
---Salvador Dali

"Reality is always controlled by the people who are most insane."
---Dogbert, Dilbert

"We've gotta get a new agent. We're getting screwed."
---Daffy Duck

"What kind of a Mickey Mouse outfit would name their team The Ducks?"
---Bugs Bunny

"If I were not a professional, and an android, I would be insulted."
---Data, Star Trek

"Consequences, shmonsequences! So long as I'm rich!"
---Daffy Duck

"Always take a lawyer with you, and bring another lawyer to watch him."
---Bo Diddley

"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year."
---Wish You Were Here, Pink Floyd

"I can only pray that your personal magnetism won't erase my hard drive."
---Dilbert

"I heartily endorse this event or product."
---Krusty the Clown, The Simpsons

"A Dill Pickle makes a soggy bookmark."
---Unknown

"My plan is to buy all the property on Earth and evict everybody who doesn't agree to be my puppet."
---Dogbert, Dilbert

"Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it."
---Dave Barry

"Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open, and feast on the goo inside?"
---Kent Brockman, The Simpsons

Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!"
---Homer Simpson

"A crucifix? Oy vey, have you got the wrong vampire!"
---Unknown

"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
---Charlie Chaplin

"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."
---Unknown

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
---Unknown

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
---Bumper Stickers

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
---Bumper Stickers

"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
---Bumper Stickers

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
---Unknown

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
---Unknown

"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."
---Bumper Stickers

"Save the whales - collect the whole set"
---Bumper Stickers

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
---Bumper Stickers

"Entropy isn't what it used to be."
---Bumper Stickers

"Keep honking. I'm reloading."
---Bumper Stickers

"A cat always lands on it's feet - unless ya tie a brick around its neck."
---Unknown

"A cat will go 'quack' - if you squeeze it hard enough."
---Unknown

"A cat will almost always blink when hit with a sledgehammer."
---Unknown

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."
---Unknown

"Eat right. Exercise. Die Anyway."
---Bumper Sticker

"He was terribly pleased that the day was for once working out so much according to plan. Only twenty minutes ago he had decided he would go mad, and now here he was already chasing a Chesterfield sofa across the fields of prehistoric Earth."
---The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies."
---Kurt Vonnegut

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth."
---Vladimir Lenin

"Life...it's like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you ever get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but they're gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. You end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. If you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers."
---Smoking Man, The X-Files

"I just signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in 5 minutes."
---Ronald Reagan

"If you chose to dance with a bear, don't stop when you get tired."
---Russian Proverb

Try not! Do! Or do not. There is no try.
---Yoda,

"Forty seconds? But I want it now!"
---Homer Simpson

"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his."
---General George S. Patton

"Life is like a mop. Sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and hairballs and things and you gotta clean it out. You gotta stick it in here and rinse it off and start all over again. And sometimes life sticks to the floor so much that a mop, a mop, it's not good enough. You gotta get down there with like a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta really scrub 'cause you gotta get it off! But if that doesn't work, you can't give up! You gotta stand right up! You gotta run to a window and say, "Hey! These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more!"
---Stanley Spadowski, UHF

"The way I see it, if you're gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?"
---Doc Brown, Back to the Future

"Since I am innocent of this crime, I find it decidedly inconvenient that the gun was never found."
---Andy Dufresne, Shawshank Redemption

"What kind of place is this? It's beautiful: Pigeons fly, women fall from the sky! I'm moving here!"
---Guido Orefice, Life is Beautiful

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
---Dan Quayle

"There will be no layoffs after the merger. However, many of you will be transferred to jobs on a frozen asteroid."
---Catbert, Dilbert

"Red meat is not bad for you. Blue-green fuzzy meat is bad for you."
---Carl Jacobs

"My doctor says that I have a malformed public duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes."
---Ford Prefect, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Trilogy

"No, I was only fooling, we are going to die after all."
---Ford Prefect, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Trilogy

"Get yer haggis! Right here. Chopped heart and lungs, boiled in a wee sheep's stomach. Tastes as good as it sounds."
---Groundskeeper Willie, The Simpsons

"Hey! Wee bairn! Hie ye hence from me heath! -- Ach! Can't ya understand English?"
---Groundskeeper Willie, The Simpsons

"Part of the fun of being alive is knowing that you're annoying the hell out of someone else."
---Matt Groening

"Don't you try to outweird me. I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal."
---Zaphod Beeblebrox, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Trilogy

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
---Dan Quayle

"Lighten up while you still can. Don't even try to understand. Just find a place to make your stand, and take it easy."
---The Eagles

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
---Albert Einstein

"I don't pretend to understand the universe...it's much bigger than I am."
---Albert Einstein

"Who's more foolish? The fool or the fool who follows him?"
---Obi-Wan Kenobi, Star Wars IV: A New Hope

"Mudhole? Slimey? My home this is!"
---Yoda, Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back

"He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder."
---Albert Einstein

"I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass."
---Johnny Frank Garrett (executed February 11, 1992)

"Yeah, I think I'd rather be fishing"
---Jimmy Glass (executed June 12, 1987)

"We're on a mission from God."
---Elwood Blues, The Blues Brothers

"You just come along with me and have a good time. The Galaxy's a fun place. You'll need this fish in your ear."
---Ford Prefect, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Very nice. You must hate it."
---Ford Prefect, Life, the Universe, and Everything

"If you took the whole of Norway, scrunched it up a bit, shook out all the moose and reindeer, hurled it ten thousand miles around the world, and filled it with birds, then you'd be wasting your time..."
---Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

"Bob Dole feels your pain."
---Bob Dole, Saturday Night Live

"Found someone you have I would say, hmm?"
---Yoda, Star Wars

"You're not going crazy, Arthur. You're going sane in a crazy world!"
---The Tick

"I still remember when I was just a little boy just waiting for the big day. Mom would be cooking up a mess of boysenberry and tuna fish burritos for our big Christmas dinner, and Dad would be decorating the tree with little bits of Spam."
---Weird Al Yankovic

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
---Steven Wright

"Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun."
---Charles Montgomery Burns

"When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually."
---Steven Wright

"Did I actually kill this woman, you might ask? NO I DID NOT. She died of a heart attack while I was stabbing her."
---Joe Frank

"All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes."
---Steven Wright

"What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts."
---Homer Simpson

"About the only people who don't quarrel over religion are the people who don't have any."
---Bob Edwards

"Ninety percent of politicians give the other ten percent a bad name."
---Henry Kissinger

"A computer cuts your work in half and gives you back the bloody stumps."
---Unknown

"Women! Can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em!"
---Robin Williams

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
---Albert Einstein

"I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man."
---Unknown

"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at parties."
---Dave Barry

"If you want to make someone hate you, explain to them, logically and politely, why they are wrong."
---Phil Simborg

"A parrot is an animal with the ability to imitate man but not enough intelligence to refrain from doing so."
---Unknown

"An 'idiot' is the driver of the car in front."
---Samantha Rushton